Just a bit of a vent

Today is one of those days where I have to close my office door. I don't understand why people think that when a female feels nauseous, doesn't feel like eating due to feeling nauseous, female then goes home due to knowing that she is gong to hurl, and still doesn't feel good the next day ="oh you must be pregnant". Seriously? Seriously?!?! I went home on Tuesday due to feeling sick and ended up throwing up but felt somewhat better yesterday and today but still not feeling 100%. I've had probably 5-6 people say "are you sure you're not pregnant?" Yep, pretty sure-according the dr. it is not possible without being on meds. "well dr's can be wrong" True but that's not the case right now. "Well maybe you should go take a pregnancy test" Thanks but that would be a waste of money...if you'll excuse me I have to get back to work.

I know they probably are trying to be nice and wishful that it would happen for us. The people that are saying this know what we've already gone through and I've had many conversations about how my body doesn't work without drugs and how IVF is basically the only option we have at this point. So when people say "well you never know", I DO know that it won't happen for us..at least not without me being on meds along with other stuff to assist us and even then it's not good. Andy and I both know this and are ok with how things are for us. We know that God has a plan and we are very very excited to do foster to adopt. I also know that I can't let my self think...about "what if" and the thought of buying another pregnancy test "just in case" just makes me get a big knot in my stomach. I have done the pregnancy test way too many times when I let "what if" get to me...the 3 minutes waiting to see what is going to appear in that window is the longest 3 minutes ever. Especially when you are praying that this time is really going to be the time...sitting with fingers, toes, arms, and legs crossed hoping that the test will read pregnant and then 3 minutes is up...."Not pregnant". Then the tears start to fault, then I feel like my body failed me again, and get mad at myself for even putting myself through the whole "what if" thinking, and then my wonderful husband hugs me and says "It's ok, it's going to be ok", "WE are going to be ok"

Ok, vent done..hope I haven't offended anyone, I just needed to get this out before somone poor, unsuspecting co-worker comes in and asks "are you feeling better" yes, feeling much better
"could you be pregnant?"

First meeting...CHECK!

Thursday night I went to the information meeting so we can start the adoption process..yeah! I have the packet we have to fill out and hopefully we will be starting the classes on October 17! Woo hoo!! We are so excited and this just feels so right! I know the whole process won't go as quick as I would like, but good things come to those who wait, right?

Andy's mother, Diana, was in town for a few days. We went to lunch with her and Andy's bro yesterday and breakfast with her today. It was so great to see her and Matt and just have some family time! I've heard so many people complain about their in-laws but I guess I must be lucky because my in-laws are wonderful! I just wish we were able to spend more time with them.

As excited as we've been to start the process to adopt, I still sometimes struggle with the fact that we haven't been able to get pregnant. At work, I've had people come up and ask when we're going to have kids or why don't we have kids yet. I just smile and say hopefully soon. One co-worker said..."Sara, you need to have kids and then you'll understand." It took all that I had not to burst into tears...unfortunately my mouth didn't stay shut. I told him, trust me if I could get pregnant we would have kids, but unfortunately I can't so we don't. You would think after that he wouldn't have said anything more..but oh no..."you just need to relax and then it will happen". Seriously, that's it, all I need to do is relax?!?!?!...man, why did I spend all that money and take all those drugs if I just need to relax. *SIGH* At that point, I had to go back to my office and close the door. I sometimes feel like I "failed" as a woman but I know that there's a reason for this and that God has a plan for us. I just have to keep the other thoughts out of my head and have faith. I saw this posted on Lisa's blog and it is so true..

Worry looks around.
Sorry looks back.
FAITH LOOKS UP

Feeling very frustrated...

Do you ever have times where you know something in your brain but your heart hopes that the brain is wrong? Right now I'm really frustrated with myself. The past few days I've been thinking what if I'm pregnant, what if that is why my cycle is super long this time, what if the doctors were wrong. So when I was in Target today, I bought a pregnancy test. My brain was asking me why but my heart said come on, you never know. No big suprise to the result..not pregnant. I know that we can not get pregnant without me being on the fertility meds and even then there is a very small chance of it happening.

On the way home all I could think is wouldn't this be great and just thinking about how big of a suprise it would be for Andy and our families. Of course now I'm sad, frustrated, angry and back on that roller coaster of emotions. I wish I would have just listened to my brain and not bought the damn test. Why did I buy it? Why did I think that I could be pregnant? ARGH!!!! After taking the test, I started thinking about maybe we should try IUI(inuterine insemination) again but I just don't know if I could handle the drugs again as well as the big let down at the end. Everytime we'd get a negative on the pregnancy test, it felt like the world came crashing down. I'd try to appear strong on the outside but on the inside I was truly falling apart. I just wonder if I would have made some different decisions in the past, if we wouldn't be having these issues now.