Do you ever have times where you know something in your brain but your heart hopes that the brain is wrong? Right now I'm really frustrated with myself. The past few days I've been thinking what if I'm pregnant, what if that is why my cycle is super long this time, what if the doctors were wrong. So when I was in Target today, I bought a pregnancy test. My brain was asking me why but my heart said come on, you never know. No big suprise to the result..not pregnant. I know that we can not get pregnant without me being on the fertility meds and even then there is a very small chance of it happening.
On the way home all I could think is wouldn't this be great and just thinking about how big of a suprise it would be for Andy and our families. Of course now I'm sad, frustrated, angry and back on that roller coaster of emotions. I wish I would have just listened to my brain and not bought the damn test. Why did I buy it? Why did I think that I could be pregnant? ARGH!!!! After taking the test, I started thinking about maybe we should try IUI(inuterine insemination) again but I just don't know if I could handle the drugs again as well as the big let down at the end. Everytime we'd get a negative on the pregnancy test, it felt like the world came crashing down. I'd try to appear strong on the outside but on the inside I was truly falling apart. I just wonder if I would have made some different decisions in the past, if we wouldn't be having these issues now.
1 comment:
I have bought so many pregnancy tests, knowing in my head that of course it would be negative, but in my heart, waiting for the 3 minutes to pass, thinking, what if, what if this just may be the one that says YES!!YES!!! YES!!!. And then of course, I see the negative and get frustrated, sad, mad that I wasted good money and time, and energy in something that probably won't be. And I also question what I could have done differently but I always come back that it must be meant to be. Hugs, you are not alone.
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