Another door has closed....

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller

I haven't updated since kiddos were placed with us(April 19). A day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days for us quickly turned into a roller coaster ride that seemed like it would never end. Below is what I typed up to share with some friends on Friday, April 23.

"First off, thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, and juju. I don't even know where to start...I can't share alot of details as this is a foster care case. The short story is we found out on Monday as we were leaving with kids to head to our house, that one of them has a health issue. It was told to us on Sat. that the kiddo may have it but not sure so we did some research and we thought we could handle based on the info that we received at the time.

Our agency called us on Monday as we're driving home with serious concerns about the health issue and the long term impact it could have on us, ability for daycare, others, etc. We talked to some professionals, caseworker, others, and still thought we could handle it based on the info we were getting. Remember we had just found out about this late Sat. evening after we had already spend 2 and a half weeks plus transitioning the kids to our home. We were on an emotional high and our hearts were bursting for joy as the transition was finally happening.

We learned more info on Thurs that really began to concern us and also found out the impact it could have a severe impact on our careers(which could cause major financial issues). Also, kiddo being young doesn't understand the severeness of issue so would do things that could cause it to be spread to others, cause it to get worse for kiddo, put us as well as other kiddo at a high risk.

Based on lots of different things that I can't share, we made a heartbreaking decision today that the county needs to find another forever homes for the kids that will be equipped to handle this. This was not an easy decision for us and is tearing us apart right now. If we had this info in the beginning, we would have been able to make a better decision before we got this emotionally involved.

I know some of you may disagree with this decision but please realize, we never ever wanted to say yes to a situation we couldn't handle as we never ever wanted to have say we can't do this. We said no to several placements as we knew we couldn't do it. We really are torn apart by this and feel like we have failed these kids. We had to make the decision that is best for our family now as well as for in the future. Thank you for all of your support throughout our journey and I really wish that I wasn't typing this right now. "

On Monday, April 26, kiddos were moved back to the relatives house where they had lived for the past two years. When we told the kiddos they were going back, they were really excited. They missed the relative and was happy relative was back from vacation. Relative had just been on vacation before the transition so kiddos stayed with a babysitter...I think they thought that was why they were with us. Monday was a very hard day for us as we had never imagined that we'd be going through what we had been through. After kiddos left, we had to go to the doctor so we could be medically cleared for our jobs as well as for our own peace of mind. When we came home our house felt so empty. I don't even know how many times I broke down in tears on Monday or over the next few days.

I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband. Andy dealt with a lot of the "clean-up" as he knew that the sight of the kiddos' stuff brought me to tears. I felt(feel) so guilty like we failed them. I know in my heart that we made the right choice but that guilt is still there. Andy knew the right words to say, knew when I just needed a hug, and was able to make me smile. After this week, I look at Andy in a different way. I was able to see him be a "dad"...dancing with T & D, building blocks with T, comforting D after he tripped when running, reading the kiddos their bedtime book, seeing D and T run and give him big hugs for no reason, and just be a kid himself. He also was very protective of my parents when we found out that they had been put at risk by the health issue when they were here and we were unaware of it. I know this sounds cheesy but I have fallen in love with him even more. I've been able to see this part of him that I hadn't been able to see before and can't wait to see him be a "dad" again.

We talked alot about our feelings(anger, loss, frustration, confusion, disappointment, etc) and both agreed that we need to take a break...long break from the foster to adopt process. We learned alot last week...some good things, some bad but all in all I think we'll be much stronger after all of this.

We learned that we are an amazing team and that we will be good parents. We learned that it is possible to feel like your heart is going to overflow with love when a little one tells you "I love you" right before they go to sleep. We learned that even when you feel completely alone and helpless, just look around as there are so many people that are there willing to help. We learned that "the system" really needs to be improved. We are learning how to heal from this and to move forward to our next journey.

We don't know where will go from here and right now are just going to take some time for us to heal. We have talked in general about some of the different options but are far from making a decision. We are so lucky that we have such amazing family and friends who were there for us through out this. The quote at the beginning of this blog really explains it the best right now. We have to look foward as if we continue to look/think at what could have been, we may miss the happiness that is yet to come. I know that I'm looking forward to the road ahead of us and can't wait to experience it with Andy.

Last week was a great week!

I have to start out by saying that I loved having my parents here! I know I've said this before but I sure wish they weren't so far away! My mom and I did lots of shopping for pictures for our house. I had looked and looked the past several months and had only found one or two pics that I kind of liked. Well, my mom and I found several we liked the first store we went into...bought 4, and at the second store bought two more. We also bought some stuff for T & D. A few days later, we did some more shopping and found even more pics...actually too many pictures. Seriously, it was turning into a bit of an addiction. =) Poor Dad and Andy got to hang all 13(eeks) of them. My Dad and Andy also stayed very busy on some other projects. Of course we would make time in the evenings for "game night" every night.

We had T & D all day on Saturday, picked them up again on Sunday and took them back on Monday, picked them up on Wed and took them back again on Thurs. I love that we had so much time with them and that they were able to spend lots of time with my parents. T & D really had a good time with them. D even could say ar-ey(for Jerry) by Thurs. Saying Phyllis was a bit much for him. T knew both of their names and would go looking for them if they would go into another room. It was really cute!

We got some great news on Monday...kiddos are transitioning officially to our house on Sunday, April 18!!! We have been so excited since we found this out. We were also glad that my parents were here when we got the news.

My parents left on Thurs right before we left to take T & D back to their aunt's. I was really sad to see them go...seriously had to bite the inside of my mouth so I wouldn't cry. I didn't want to cry in front of the kids and also knew that if I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop. The good part is that they'll be back in 3 month...ok, I hope they'll be back in 3 months. =)

I did go into the office on Friday for a "few hours"--turned out being there 6 hours and brought work home since I will be out for the next 8 weeks on FMLA leave. Andy's job is letting him take next week off so we'll have both of us here the kids' first week here. YEAH! Andy will take off 8 weeks at the end of my 8 weeks. I told a friend in an e-mail earlier today...I can't wait to watch T & D grow, learn more about their personalities, and just love them. Tomorrow can't get here soon enough!

UPDATE AT 9:00 PM: T IS SICK SO TRANSITION WON'T HAPPEN TOMORROW. HOPEFULLY MONDAY.

Still transitioning

We are having several visits with the kids before they officially transition to our house. We are doing this since they have been in their current placement for almost two years and are hoping by having several visits it will make the transition a bit easier.

On Monday, we had our first visit with us and the kids. YEAH! We picked them up and took them to a park near our house. They did very well in the car and didn't hesitate at all about leaving with us. We had a ball at the park. They both love to swing! After spending about 45 min. at the park, we took them to our house. As were walking up to the house, T said "Is this our house?" That question kind of through me off and before I could respond, she had moved onto something else. D was very excited to see the dogs(they were in their kennels). He loves dogs! The kids did really well at eating lunch and playing while we were getting lunch ready.
After lunch it was naptime. We told the kids that it was time for the doggies to take naps so they needed to take a nap as well. We read them two short books and D was asleep within in about 2 min and T was asleep 5 min. later. WOW!! I really think using the "doggie naptime" helped alot!
They slept for about two hours. When they got up, they played with the dogs. The dogs did really well overall, they were a bit excited at first but calmed down pretty quickly. Both T & D loved petting them. We played the rest of the afternoon, fed them dinner, and then took them back to aunt's house. They are both good eaters. When we took them back, they gave us hugs and kisses.

We had another all day visit yesterday. The great part about that visit was that my parents got to meet D & T. I had a CPR skills class to renew my certification yesterday morning for a couple of hours so Andy and my mom picked the kids up. They said that they once again did really well in the car and warmed up to my parents very quickly. When I got home, the kids had just started eating lunch. After lunch, it was naptime. This time wasn't quite as easy. The dogs are at dog camp while my parents are here so we couldn't use doggie naptime. Plus, T wanted to stay and play with everyone. As she started going up the stairs she started to cry a little bit and said "I'm very upset right now". I did my best not to laugh as it was really cute. We told them once they woke up we'd go to the park. T still cried for a few min but once Andy started reading a book, she stopped. They took about a two hour nap. Once they were up, we took them to the park that is just down the street from us(one house down and across the street). The bad part is that this park doesn't have swings and seems to be oriented for older kids. The kids still had a lot of fun. We were there for about an hour and then went back to the house to play. They really liked my parents...D would go look for them if they went to another room. We fed them dinner and then took them back to the babysitter(she is watching them while the aunt is out of town for five days). D fell asleep while on the way back. T would yawn and then say "guys I'm not tired". When we got them there, D didn't want me to put him down. We told them they'd be coming back again today and spending the night. T said "in my new room and new bed?" We told her yes. She smiled really big. They gave us hugs and kisses before we left.

We are looking forward to having them again today and tonight. We'll see how they sleep tonight. Aunt said D starts his day at 4 a.m. EEKS!

It's my understanding will have at least one more overnight possibly two before they transition completely to our house. Hopefully(maybe) by next weekend. Keeping fingers crossed!!!

Once they are here, I will take FMLA leave for 8-12 weeks and then Andy will take FMLA for 8 weeks. It will give us all a good way to get a set schedule as well as bond. We are both so excited and just love T & D. I am so excited for our future with them.

Busy busy day

Wow, I'm just a blogging maniac tonight. If you haven't read the 3 posts below this one..start with the one titled HUGE UPDATE. There was too much to put into just one entry! =)

Today we were busy cleaning. My parents will be here on Wednesday! YEAH! We finally get to show them our house! We are also getting ready for our visit with T & D tomorrow. We put two car seats in my SUV...that was quite the adventure. I have to say, I love looking in there and seeing the two car seats in there!! We also realized today that there are several more things that we need to get before the kids are here full time. When my mom is here we'll have to do some shopping..YEAH! We are really excited that they are going to meet T & D and hopefully their aunt as well. This week is going to be a crazy busy week but we are going to be loving every minute of it!!!

Second visit

We had another great visit with the kids yesterday! We met at Aunt's house and then followed her to a nearby park. When we got to park, she said D cried as he thought we left. When he got out of the car he ran up to me so I could hold him. We then put him and T in the wagon to walk over to playground area. Andy was pulling the wagon and D kept saying vroom vroom(he was pretending to drive the wagon).

T and D were fascinated with all the ducks, geese, and dogs at the park. When we got to the playground, T took Andy's hand and said come help me. Andy helped her with crossing the monkey bars, going down the slide, etc. I pushed D on the swing for a long time. He loves to swing! After about 15 min T wanted to swing as well.

The aunt and I talked alot about the kids, her family, our family, etc. She is very very nice and we really like her. She did ask if we will let her see the kids once they are with us and I was so glad she asked as I've been wanting to tell her that we absolutely will. She has played such a huge role in the kids lives that her not seeing them would be so hard for the kids. She said she was very relieved to hear that we would keep her involved. It really does seem like we've known her much longer and we're so looking forward to getting to know her better. Like she said, we'll all just be a big family.

After swing for awhile D wanted to walk around. When he sees a dog, he points and says "dawg" and then takes off after the dog. He LOVES dogs. He is very gentle when petting the dogs. One time when he was petting one, he grabbed my hand and showed me he wanted me to pet the dog. Also, at one point a man came running by and D came quickly over to me and hid behind my leg.

After awhile, we went back to Aunt's house and she gave us some pics and we gave her and the kids a pic of us and a pic of each of our dogs. T and D were very happy. T kept saying "I want to show my new friends my books, a toy, a movie, etc" When we left, we got lots of hugs and kisses...they even climbed in the car to give us "one more hug" before we left. I can't believe how quickly they have warmed up to us and seem to be adjusting to us very well!

We will pick them up from the aunt at 10:30 on Monday and will have them until 5 or 6 that evening. YEAH!!! I was almost a teary mess again on this visit..Andy is so amazing with the kids. I've waited so long to see this and have always known he'll be a great father. T really really likes him!! She follows him and always want him to help her. Adorable!!

First visit

The night before the visit I was so excited and nervous so I didn't sleep much. All I could think about was how was the visit going to go...I just prayed and prayed that it would go very well. We had seen pics of T(the girl) and D(the boy) and it made this all so much more real. So how did the visit go???

It was amazing!! As soon as I saw them my heart melted. I really don't know the words to explain how I feel right now. They are absolutely adorable! T was shy for all of two minutes and D was a little more reserved for about 20 min. We played ball with them, watched them ride their horses, and they showed us all their toys. It was very cute. The aunt is really nice and I really like her. She is great with the kids and they are obviously bonded with her. T sang her ABC's for us as well as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We were there for about an hour and 20 min. When we were leaving the aunt asked if they wanted to give us a hug and they gave Andy and I a hug and kiss on the cheek. When we were walking down the drive away, the aunt was like oh you want to give them another hug? Both kids ran down to us and gave another hug and kiss. Seriously, I had to take in a huge breath so I wouldn't lose it in front of the caseworker and GAL. When I got in the car with Andy, the tears were flowing! We get to see them again on Saturday at the aunt's house and then starting next week we'll have visits with me, Andy and the kids.

During the visit, all I could think about was this is what we've been waiting and dreaming about for so long. I think we were both glowing and just floating on air after the visit. It was all we could talk about and think about as well as being excited about the next visit.

I also have to say that we are both so lucky to have such an amazing family and amazing friends that have been so supportive and caring during this long journey. We are both so blessed to be surrounded by so many people that have helped make the bumps in the road a little easier, prayed for us when we were struggling or just need a little extra help, and celebrated with us when we've finally reached a huge milestone. We won't ever be able to express how much all of this has meant to us! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

Huge update!

On Feb 19, we received a call from our agency about a foster to adopt situation. It was for a sibling group-girl and a boy. After telling me the details, I told the casemanager that this sounds like a situation that would be perfect for us. I told her I'd verify with Andy but basically I was saying yes. I called Andy and his response was...say yes!!! I called our case manager back and she said that she'd already let them know that we were very interested. She called me back later that day to said that we were the first ones to respond and that the worker for the county was very interested in us. This all happened very fast and then it slowed down from there.

Since we had said yes, our agency wouldn't call us about any other placements. So we waited...1 week..nothing, 2 weeks...nothing, 3 weeks..nothing. These were the longest three weeks ever! I admit that I avoided blogging during that time as I didn't want to say anything about the call as I didn't want to "jinx" it. I didn't even tell my parents about getting the call until after the second week. The great part during this time was that my sister was in Florida doing an internship and was really busy so I didn't get to talk to her much. I didn't want to say anything as she gets just as excited as we do and I knew she had a lot going on. Her internship was at a place that does dolphin therapy with special needs kids. This was a dream of hers! She has loved dolphins since, well, I think she was born making dolphin sounds. HA! Anywho...back to the waiting..long, long, long!

On March 15, the caseworker and GAL for the kids called our agency with some questions about us. Our agency said that if they were still interested, they would call us to set up a time to meet with us. We were told they were looking at the homestudies of a couple other foster to adopt families and would probably meet with two or three families before they made a decision. About 15 min after I spoke to our casemanager, I heard from the caseworker...they wanted to meet with us! YEAH!! We set up an appointment for March 22. They said they will give us more info about the kids/the case and then let us see if we're still interested as well as give them time to see if they think it would be a good match for the kids. They said they may not make a final decision for a couple of weeks. Needless to say we were very excited as well as very nervous.

I finally told my sister about "the call" the night before the meeting. This was a new step for us so I wanted her to know what was going on. Plus it's really really hard not to tell my sister about something this huge. I tell her everything! When she would call me, all I could think was please don't ask me about if we got a call cause I knew I couldn't not tell her if she asked. When I would talk to her, I'd ask her tons of questions about her stuff and then if the conversation would shift to me and Andy, I'd change it again or hurry to get off the phone. I really hope I never have to do that again!! =)

March 22 finally arrived and we had the meeting with the GAL(Guardian Ad litem-attorney that looks out for kids best interest), adoption caseworker, and ongoing caseworker. They told us about the kids, the case, and asked us some questions. We felt really positive during the meeting and hoped that they thought we'd be a good match for the kids. At the end of the meeting, they said to think about our decision and to call them by that Friday to let them know what we decided. Then they would make their decision as to if we'd be a good match. One of the caseworkers said that typically alot of people "just know" if it's going to be a good fit or not but they wanted to give us the time to really think about the decision.

When they walked out the door, Andy and I looked at each other and just smiled. We both knew what our answer would be...we want to be the foster to adopt home for these kiddos. We decided to just sleep on it and call them the next morning. I called at 10:00 the next day to and left a message saying, "Yes, we want to be the foster to adopt home and we would be thrilled if you picked us. " About 20 minutes later, the adoption worker called me back to say she had let the team know that we had said yes and they were very happy. I asked when they would be making their decision as to if they would pick us to be the home. She said that they only met with us and had decided at the visit that we would be a great fit for the kids. YEAH!

We then set up our first meeting to meet the kids and their aunt(who they currently live with) for March 31. We were beyond excited and couldn't wait to start the next part of this long journey.