Another door has closed....

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller

I haven't updated since kiddos were placed with us(April 19). A day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days for us quickly turned into a roller coaster ride that seemed like it would never end. Below is what I typed up to share with some friends on Friday, April 23.

"First off, thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, and juju. I don't even know where to start...I can't share alot of details as this is a foster care case. The short story is we found out on Monday as we were leaving with kids to head to our house, that one of them has a health issue. It was told to us on Sat. that the kiddo may have it but not sure so we did some research and we thought we could handle based on the info that we received at the time.

Our agency called us on Monday as we're driving home with serious concerns about the health issue and the long term impact it could have on us, ability for daycare, others, etc. We talked to some professionals, caseworker, others, and still thought we could handle it based on the info we were getting. Remember we had just found out about this late Sat. evening after we had already spend 2 and a half weeks plus transitioning the kids to our home. We were on an emotional high and our hearts were bursting for joy as the transition was finally happening.

We learned more info on Thurs that really began to concern us and also found out the impact it could have a severe impact on our careers(which could cause major financial issues). Also, kiddo being young doesn't understand the severeness of issue so would do things that could cause it to be spread to others, cause it to get worse for kiddo, put us as well as other kiddo at a high risk.

Based on lots of different things that I can't share, we made a heartbreaking decision today that the county needs to find another forever homes for the kids that will be equipped to handle this. This was not an easy decision for us and is tearing us apart right now. If we had this info in the beginning, we would have been able to make a better decision before we got this emotionally involved.

I know some of you may disagree with this decision but please realize, we never ever wanted to say yes to a situation we couldn't handle as we never ever wanted to have say we can't do this. We said no to several placements as we knew we couldn't do it. We really are torn apart by this and feel like we have failed these kids. We had to make the decision that is best for our family now as well as for in the future. Thank you for all of your support throughout our journey and I really wish that I wasn't typing this right now. "

On Monday, April 26, kiddos were moved back to the relatives house where they had lived for the past two years. When we told the kiddos they were going back, they were really excited. They missed the relative and was happy relative was back from vacation. Relative had just been on vacation before the transition so kiddos stayed with a babysitter...I think they thought that was why they were with us. Monday was a very hard day for us as we had never imagined that we'd be going through what we had been through. After kiddos left, we had to go to the doctor so we could be medically cleared for our jobs as well as for our own peace of mind. When we came home our house felt so empty. I don't even know how many times I broke down in tears on Monday or over the next few days.

I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband. Andy dealt with a lot of the "clean-up" as he knew that the sight of the kiddos' stuff brought me to tears. I felt(feel) so guilty like we failed them. I know in my heart that we made the right choice but that guilt is still there. Andy knew the right words to say, knew when I just needed a hug, and was able to make me smile. After this week, I look at Andy in a different way. I was able to see him be a "dad"...dancing with T & D, building blocks with T, comforting D after he tripped when running, reading the kiddos their bedtime book, seeing D and T run and give him big hugs for no reason, and just be a kid himself. He also was very protective of my parents when we found out that they had been put at risk by the health issue when they were here and we were unaware of it. I know this sounds cheesy but I have fallen in love with him even more. I've been able to see this part of him that I hadn't been able to see before and can't wait to see him be a "dad" again.

We talked alot about our feelings(anger, loss, frustration, confusion, disappointment, etc) and both agreed that we need to take a break...long break from the foster to adopt process. We learned alot last week...some good things, some bad but all in all I think we'll be much stronger after all of this.

We learned that we are an amazing team and that we will be good parents. We learned that it is possible to feel like your heart is going to overflow with love when a little one tells you "I love you" right before they go to sleep. We learned that even when you feel completely alone and helpless, just look around as there are so many people that are there willing to help. We learned that "the system" really needs to be improved. We are learning how to heal from this and to move forward to our next journey.

We don't know where will go from here and right now are just going to take some time for us to heal. We have talked in general about some of the different options but are far from making a decision. We are so lucky that we have such amazing family and friends who were there for us through out this. The quote at the beginning of this blog really explains it the best right now. We have to look foward as if we continue to look/think at what could have been, we may miss the happiness that is yet to come. I know that I'm looking forward to the road ahead of us and can't wait to experience it with Andy.